Firefighters love to put out.

Who doesn’t love a man in uniform? Firefighters, including the heroes of my Golden Falls Fire series, are all kinds of sexy, and not just because of the demanding physicality of their jobs. It’s because they live to help others out of scary, dangerous situations. When lives are on the line, firefighters are there, and if you’re lucky enough to win the devotion of one of these brave, caring guys (and gals), you’ll feel like the luckiest girlfriend alive.

The following is my guide to dating a firefighter. The job is not all shirtless calendars and saving kittens out of trees. In fact, it’s very different from how it’s portrayed a lot the time, and for a significant other, the schedule, lifestyle, and culture can be overwhelming. Here are some of the things that my Golden Falls series heroines and all other takers should know ahead of time about that most attractive of creatures, the firefighter.

1. Get used to him being gone. A lot.

You know that phrase “nothing good happens after midnight?” Well, that nothing good is the reason why firefighters are on call 24 hours a day. Almost every fire department’s shift schedule is at least 24 hours at a time. Some are 48 hours. If your firefighter does wildland (fighting forest fires), that can be weeks at a time. There will be nights that you’re sleeping alone. Eating dinner alone. If you live together, it means it’ll be up to you to take care of business while he’s on shift and make decisions for the household.

This can be a good thing. Without a man underfoot, you can be productive, have a girls’ night, or take care of personal things that you don’t want to do in front of him (read: green facial masks). Besides, absence makes the heart fonder, and it’s that much sweeter when he comes home.

On the flip side, though, it can be lonely and the firefighter schedule can seriously interfere with things like holidays. Sometimes he’s going to be working Christmas, or Thanksgiving, or your birthday, or your anniversary. Be flexible about celebrating holidays a few days before or after—it’s a just a day on the calendar, after all.

2. It’s not just a job, it’s a family.

For a firefighter, the men and women he works with are more than just co-workers. They trust each other with their lives and they live in close domestic quarters for days at a time. The bond they form is more akin to a military unit than any typical workplace. The fire service is a brotherhood in every sense of the word.

What does this mean for the girlfriend of a firefighter? If you two are serious, that makes you part of the family, too. Your guy’s crew will tease you like you’re their sister, and their wives and girlfriends will (hopefully) find a shared bond over both the fun and hardships of being with a firefighter. But it also means that your man will drop everything (even a relaxed afternoon with you) to help one of his fire brothers: helping them move, watching their dog, loaning out gear, giving them a ride. If you’re jealous of your guy’s time, be aware that just like he’s there for his brothers, they’ll be there for him, and that’s a good thing.

3. They have a gory sense of humor.

You’re going to hear some stories that are freaky, gross, weird, and downright awful. They’ll make you lose your appetite, or your faith in humanity. It might be shocking at first, but you’ll get used to it, and after a while, even start to find it funny yourself. Humor is a major coping mechanism for professionals dealing with crazy stuff on a daily basis, so if you’re particularly squeamish or serious, that’s something to keep in mind before dating a firefighter, who will want to share funny stories with you. But if you’re a medical professional or police officer, or if you just have a somewhat twisted sense of humor yourself, you’re probably already on board with this one.

4. They deal with some terrible tragedies.

In addition to the funny stories, every firefighter has a different kind of story: the most tragic, terrible, heart-breaking kind. A lot of times these calls have to do with kids or animals or young mothers, and be aware that he’s carrying a burden of seeing some of the worst tragedies that life can throw. He’s been there on the worst day of someone’s life, and oftentimes it’s the last day, too. Every individual has a different coping mechanism, whether it’s detachment, silence, or talking it out with a trusted confidante, so whichever method your man uses: SUPPORT HIM. Let him know that you’re there to listen to what he has to say, or give him a quiet hug, or let him have his solitary alone time if that’s what he needs.

5. You’ll learn the lingo.

His aforementioned gory stories will include a lot of lingo, enough that after a few months, you’ll start to speak their language. Everything from fire terms like “fully involved” (also a title of one of my Golden Falls books!) to the most common kind of drugs he had to administer (Ativan, Narcan, fentanyl) to things like extrication (from a crushed vehicle) and the realest emergency, a code, meaning someone is dying. Then there are the sub-genres of the code, like a “Commode Code” (if you’re a nurse, you already know what this one means!).

6. He’s going to have a lot of gear, and he knows how to use it.

Want an empty garage? Don’t get with a firefighter! They have all the gear, and they know how to use it. Sledgehammers, chainsaws, air compressors, drills, tools, straps, you name it and they’ve got it somewhere. There’s nothing more aggravating to a firefighter than having a task to complete and lacking the tools to do it, so be cautious about suggesting “selling some of that stuff.” He might need it someday, and when he does, you’ll be glad. There’s nothing like a handy guy around the house whose strength and expertise can make quick work of jobs that would take lesser men hours to complete, whether it’s breaking up old concrete, chopping down a tree, or assembling a pulley system to haul a heavy piece of furniture up the stairs.

7. Be understanding about their sleep schedules, or lack thereof.

This is somewhat dependent on where a firefighter is working—some stations are fairly slow, and others run calls nearly non-stop. A lot of volunteer departments are on call at home and can be called in the middle of the night. For most firefighters, though, inconsistent sleep and long-term sleep deprivation is a major issue. Some days he’s going to be too tired to do what you have planned, or he might be grouchy. It can be frustrating if you planned a fun day off with a ten-mile hike followed by a night on the town, but he got less than three hours of sleep and just wants to take a nap instead. Understanding and flexibility is key… and be sure to keep your phone on silent at night! Firefighters tend to be super light sleepers, and he won’t want to lose sleep over your Twitter notifications.

8. You’re not going to get action when you visit the fire house.

I know you’re wondering this! Most fire stations are fully contained homes-away-from-home, with kitchens, living areas, and yes, bedrooms/bunkrooms. The rest of the crew typically gives visiting wives and girlfriends some space and privacy with their man, but don’t expect to get busy behind a closed bunkroom door. This is totally, 100% against policy at fire departments, and you wouldn’t want your firefighter to get downright fired!

So has it happened? Undoubtedly. Is it typical? Not in the slightest. You’ll be lucky if you get a kiss, and only if you’re not in front of everybody. In the station, the number one rule is respect, and almost every firefighter would consider it disrespectful to be making out with his girlfriend while on duty. Remember, the fire department is a family, so don’t feel rejected if your firefighter wants to keep it family-friendly when on the premises.

9. Other women are firefighter groupies.

Hose honeys. Badge bunnies. Whatever you want to call them, there are a lot of women out there with the hots for firefighters, and they’re not shy about it. Chances are, your firefighter is used to that adoring female attention wherever he goes. You really can’t blame the other ladies: that uniform is inherently sexy, and so is the sense of good-guy-bravery that firefighters naturally exude. Some women will go so far as to stake out bars where firefighters congregate and go on “ride-alongs” not, like Golden Falls heroine Cassie Holt, as part of their job, but as a dating opportunity. While most of this flirtation is harmless, there are some villainous women who will even pursue firefighters that they know are married or have a steady girlfriend, not because they fall for that particular man but because they want the sense of power and another notch on their “firefighter” bedpost.

But if your firefighter is a good one, and almost all of them are, he’s in no danger from such tactics. He might joke about how the ladies love a fireman, but if he wanted to be single, he would be, not dating you. So don’t get too mad when other women throw their panties at him while he’s in uniform. (Just kidding! Sort of.)

10. He knows how to cook

If you think it’s sexy to have a man who knows his way around a kitchen (and who doesn’t?) then you’re in luck. Cooking is a strong point of pride in the fire culture, and so is general helpfulness around the kitchen. He’ll never make you do the dishes alone, if at all, and most firefighters, even if they don’t enjoy cooking, at least know how to make all the basics and know them well. Some firefighters can whip up a meal as good or better than anything you’d get at the fanciest restaurant, from perfectly seared steaks to handmade pasta to the best pancakes you’ve ever eaten. So when he asks to cook for you, sit back and enjoy the magic!